Random Thoughts

I saw a really cool artist the other day and I figured I'd share it here. He was a man using a wheelchair to draw a picture of a wheelchair. I don't think the man had a disability. The chair was a poor fit for his long frame and it was not the sort of chair that wheelchair users typically have. It was the type you see in hospitals or rental stores with the aqua colored seat and back. Anyway, the young man had a piece of charcoal taped to a dowel and he had taped a large sheet of white butcher paper to the ground. Rather than using his arms and wrists to draw the picture, he was holding his arm stationary and making the lines by maneuvering the wheels of the chair. I stood watching for several minutes as I found it fascinating. We never spoke, he only looked up once and we exchanged smiles. Whoever the project was for, I hope it was well received...

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I'm having a hard time figuring out how to say "no" gracefully when unwanted suitors contact me. Like most people, I'm simply not attracted to every guy who emails or messages me. The difference is that since I'm a dev many men seem to think I'm somehow obligated to like them and if I don't I'm some kind of bigot. Some have even made the outrageous suggestion that I should start some kind of service as if whoring myself out to the highest disabled bidder should be my life's work.

The people who are unkind are easy to send off with a good piece of my mind. It's the nice guys who are just looking for love the same as I am that are tough. Sometimes "You seem like a really nice guy but you're just not the one for me." isn't enough to convey a message that a lonely heart doesn't really want to hear. I think I'll probably always struggle with this one...

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I was talking about weekend plans with a friend at work today and she mentioned that she was going on a romantic getaway with her husband. That made me pretty wistful. I'd love to have someone to go on romantic getaways with... ah well the search continues!

The K Word

One really big obstacle I'm running into when I finally do find guys I like is that I'm a single mom. Guys hear the word "kid" and run screaming for the hills! Thought it might be worth noting my current thoughts on my love life and my family life.

I know I've already said... or maybe I didn't but surely I've implied that I'm looking for a long term relationship. Naturally that means anyone who dates me will have to like my kid too. That doesn't mean I'm looking for someone to be "my baby's daddy".

Given the fairly narrow field of men for me, I am open to long distance relationships. I am planning a career change so I'll need to move in the next couple of years anyway. If I find a guy, and we develop special feelings for each other, I'm more than willing to move nearer to him. At this point I don't think I'd consider moving in with a long distance guy even if the online relationship seemed perfect.

I would love a monogamous relationship where we live in separate homes but spend lots of time together developing our "in person" relationship. I don't have to see him every day but I definitely want to talk to him every day. I'd like a regular date where we might go out or stay in and cuddle on the couch watching a movie or chatting. Of course intimacy (sex) would be wonderful!

I'm sure some would ask, "Why not do all those things and live together too?" The answer lies sleeping upstairs as I type. I have more than myself to consider in the decision to cohabitate. Even if the adults in a household decide that they will not share parenting, children often decide otherwise. A child deserves to live in a home where all the adults love him/her unreservedly and unconditionally. It's not logical to expect a man who's never met my child to be as in love as I am. I would not want my child's heart committed to a man who couldn't equally commit his heart. So, at least at the moment, I think a relationship in two separate households is the way to go.

Devotee Pride!!

I wanted to talk about the idea of devoteeism as a sexual identity. I first found out that I wasn't the only one in the world with my attraction about 8 years ago while I was doing an internet search for disability information. The sites I found talked about my attraction as a fetish and I accepted that at face value. I've recently changed my views on the matter.

I looked up the term "fetish" in the DSM IV which is the reference book that the psychiatric community uses to diagnose psychological conditions. They define fetish as:

“Recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors generally involving 1) nonhuman objects, 2) the suffering or humiliation of oneself or one’s partner, or 3) children or other nonconsenting persons, that occur over a period of at least 6 months.”

None of that fits me at all!! Then I read somewhere that being a devotee was like having an attraction to blonde hair, or big boobs. But somehow that didn't seem to fit either. Lots of gentlemen who prefer blondes go on to marry brunettes and live perfectly happy and fulfilling lives. I, on the other hand, have never had a sexual fantasy involving an able bodied guy. While I always enjoy sexual experiences very much, I have only had orgasms with partners who have disabilities. My feelings appear to be more intense than the feelings of a person who prefers large breasts.

I think what makes most sense is the sexual identity perspective. I think it's comparable to homosexual identity in many ways. I have been told numerous times that there are plenty of great guys out there who meet every one of my "criteria" except they don't have the disability. I think it's comparable to telling a gay man "I know a great person who's a perfect match for you... the only thing is she's a woman." No matter how great that person is, it's just not going to be quite right. I think perhaps what we need instead of a psychiatric diagnosis is a parade, a flag, and an awareness month!

I have talked to other devotee/admirers who agree with my thoughts on the matter. Maybe someday we'll all get together and formcommitteetee. :-)

An Open Letter To My "Fans" :-)

I can't tell you how exciting it was find that people had actually taken the time to read my silly ramblings and leave me feedback!!! Thank you very much to the two lovely ladies who wrote me :-)

To Ang: Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. :-) I know that many women have had extremely negative experiences with badly behaved devotees. I'm so glad you found one of the many wonderful gentlemen admirers to explain the attraction. One day I hope to find someone who still thinks I'm perfect after 35 years! :-)

To Diana: Your theories about what makes me this way are certainly as good as anyone's! :-) I definitely enjoy giving a man a little TLC from time to time. I am certainly a nurturer in that respect. Of course I'd like a man who will give me a bit of TLC from time to time too! Guess you could say I am a nurturer who wants a nurturer as a partner (if that makes any sense).

As for men who are paraplegics or amputees being less intimidating to me... that one I'm not so sure about. I am not intimidated by able bodied men. In fact the only time I do turn bashful is when I'm around men I find attractive. I don't think that's intimidation either ... probably more a nervous desire to make a good impression, or at least avoid a bad one!

I do have a theory about admirer/devotee attraction as a sexual identity but I'm too tired to post it now!

Thanks again for wonderful comments!

What Floats My Devo Boat?

I just wanted to say a quick thank you to everyone who's visited my blog and my website so far. The feedback has been very encouraging and I'm pleased to read that others have been inspired by my small efforts.

Another very popular question I hear is "What is it about a guy in a wheelchair that you find attractive?"

Many female devotees, and probably many of the males as well have a very hard time answering this one. I think it's because for most of us this attraction was born before we even had the vocabulary to express how we were feeling. I can personally remember having a physical reaction to people I'd see or think about and not having the words to describe the feelings "down there".

I had a very interesting and amusing conversation on one of the message lists I belong to about how we expressed our attraction as children. It seems most of us did a fair amount of Barbie manipulation ... the poor doll became amazingly accident prone in the hands of young devs!

I don't think I'll ever really know what "did it" for me when I was a child but I have been giving the matter some thought now that I'm an adult. When I see a man who is an amputee or paraplegic I am attracted to the visual appeal of the person first. I find the sight aesthetically pleasing. Of course after that we need to have things in common... but I covered that in the previous "impossibly high standards" post.

I suspect what most folks really mean when they ask the question in the first place is "What is arousing about a guy in a wheelchair?" Well I'm certainly not going to get into an elaborate description of all my sexual fantasies here on this very public blog but I will say this. Often when a person has a spinal cord injury or leg amputation(s), it causes some changes in the ways they experience arousal. I find those differences very exciting.

Picky Picky Picky!

I've been told quite a few times that my standards are impossibly high and I will never meet the guy who matches them. Naturally I was told that by guys who didn't meet my "impossibly high" standards. :-) Of course, since they are my standards I think they are perfectly reasonable.

I'm no Halle Berry but I am at least reasonably attractive (when I try). I'm looking for a guy who is reasonably attractive to me. Of course that's all relative because we all have different ideas of what is and isn't attractive. This is gonna sound like typical cliche' woman talk but for me "attractive" isn't just about looks. It's about personality too. People often look at me funny when I say I find John Goodman attractive until I explain that it's because of the character (Dan Connor) he played on the "Roseanne" show. I'd love to have a man like that! Well... like that except in a wheelchair. :-)

I am not career obsessed but, like most Americans, work is important to me. I am looking for a man who is employed full time just like I am. This point is a HUGE stumbling block in a community where unemployment and under employment are the norms. I'm not blaming anyone, even post ADA finding work is tough for people with disabilities. But even though I am by no means an old fashioned woman, I know that if I'm getting up every morning to go to work and my man isn't, it'll become an issue in our relationship.

I am often contacted by men with very severe disabilities. Everybody needs love and there's no doubt about that! I truly believe there is someone out there for everyone. The truth of the matter is that I am looking for a man with a certain level of independence. We all need a bit of help sometimes and I'm always pleased to lend a hand when needed. But the guy for me must be living on his own and capable of managing personal care (eating, dressing, bathing, toileting) on his own.

Aside from disability issues, it is vital that we be compatible in the ways that make all couples successful. We should have similar beliefs, values, and levels of intelligence so we can hold a decent conversation. I love a man with a good sense of humor who can laugh at the world and at himself from time to time.

Hello, I'm a 38 year old single woman with an attraction to men who are amputees or paraplegics. I am especially attracted to men who use manual wheelchairs. This attraction has been a part of me since I was a very young girl and I have no idea why. Lots of people have theories about it though none of them are particularly flattering or fitting in my case.

Many have suggested it's because I'm a secret dominatrix and I'm looking for a weak man to dominate. I'm not. I actually tried the dominatrix thing once... hated every minute of it! I'm the least decisive person I know and I was terrible at it. I want an equal partnership.

A few others have suggested that I was frightened by a person with a disability when I was a child and that caused me to somehow sexualize the thing that scared me... I don't recall such an event. I was scared of Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny as a very young child though... they don't do a thing for me now but that's got me vaguely wonder if there are actually Kris Kringle fetishists out there! That'd be interesting!

A third group insists I'm just out to take money from men with disabilities. Given the enormous numbers of unemployed people with disabilities, this notion is preposterous as well as wildly insulting! The notion of me as criminal mastermind is even more ridiculous if you know me. I earn my own money and I have no need to steal anyone else's.

When you boil it down though, it really doesn't matter why I'm like this. I am a devotee or admirer if you prefer and I'm looking for a man with whom I can share my life... nothing more and nothing less.